***DISCLAIMER*** ALTHOUGH THERE WILL BE PLENTY OF PERSONAL STORIES AND REFERENCES , THE QUESTIONS/ISSUES DISCUSSED HERE ARE NOT NECESSARILY MINE OR RELATED TO MY PERSONAL SITUATION.
One of my mother's favorite shows was Married with Children. I used to love Sundays and watching the show with my parents and sisters. Do you guys remember the theme song? "Love and Marriage, Love and Marriage, Go together like a horse and carriage, This I tell you brother, you can't have one without the other... this is so, so true. I was told once any marriage can survive as long as both parties don't fall out of love at the same time. As long as one party is fighting for the marriage, there is still hope. I wholeheartedly believe this. Marriage is definitely not for the faint of heart chile...
For anyone reading my blog that doesn't know me, I am a married mother of 4 and a proud grandmother of 1. I have been married almost 10 years but recently separated. During this period of separation I have had the opportunity to talk to different people regarding their thoughts on love and marriage in this day and age. Needless to say, I have had MANY interesting conversations regarding this topic and I have heard such interesting and varying perspectives. One of the more interesting perspectives I have heard; is marriage even necessary now? I still believe in the institution of marriage but I do not believe in the traditional restraints that come with conventional marriages. For example: I don't believe in any religion, so for me, I don't believe that if a couple wants to live together, have a child together, build and grow old together, that they have to be married in the eyes of God. I believe marriage should be based on a mutual love, understanding of each other's needs and wants. Marriage is a very serious commitment and before agreeing to spending your life with someone I think it is important to understand oneself. What is your true reason for wanting to be married? I feel like marriage is looked at as a status symbol as much as it's based on love. How big is the ring, how lavish was the wedding, did you change your last name yet? I personally think of marriage as a business now. What does this person want from life, does it match my ambition? Is he able to help me wealth build for my children, my legacy? Is he a good travel partner, is he funny can he make me laugh? Is he open to having an open marriage? What is YOUR definition of an open marriage? Mine might surprise you. (we will talk more about open marriages later).
People change and therefore, their needs change in love and marriage. I got married at 29 years old and I didn't have a clue about who I was or what I wanted. I had no idea of how to be a wife. I was never taught how to be a "good wife". I learned as I went along in my marriage and tried to listen to my spouses wants and needs and tried to adjust accordingly. I will be the first to admit, I failed big time. My spouse and I were both headstrong and subconsciously out to prove to each other that "I" am right, we should do things "my" way. Wrong answer! Effective communication, honesty, self knowledge and compromise could have made all of the difference in our marriage but as the old saying goes. If only hindsight were 20/20. As we grow our needs and wants change. Through a lot of conversation, one question stuck with me. As we grow older our needs, wants and desires change. If your spouse is not changing or growing and not in a space that they are willing to change or grow, what do you do? You love your spouse and don't want to leave. You've made a commitment, til death do us part remember? Do you say fuck it and just leave? Do you seek other people or things outside of your marriage to fulfill you? Is it fair to you or your spouse to stay when you are unfulfilled? It seems easy to say that you will talk it out and everything will work out but what if the other party doesn't see a need to change?? What do you do...
